he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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