My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
