sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
being pregnant is like rehab
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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