my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
