She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
