I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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