My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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