I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
