at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
