I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
