My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
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