So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
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