dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Randomize
