Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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