What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
