i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
even my farts smell like vagina
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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