Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
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