I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
