he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
where are my pants?
in the oven.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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