My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Randomize
