I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
