I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
She bit a glass in half.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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