i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
