i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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