pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
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