It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Randomize
