I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
He felt like a one man threesome
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
