Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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