She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
