i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
