Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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