If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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