oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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