I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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