It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Randomize
