I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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