What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
