So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
