just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
