You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
that may or may not have been my penis.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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