After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
