you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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