Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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