Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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