I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
