you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
