I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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