The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
My liver just had a heart attack.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
