Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
