I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Randomize
