I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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