found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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