mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
