My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
