im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
