i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
