Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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