I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
